Constant flashbacks

[Jynx]

Wow @creative_writer that is a very big epiphany, I can understand why you feel so confused and overwhelmed. It does sound like a very healing thing to be working through though. I'm happy for you and proud of you.  

Might be a ways to go to forgive yourself for doing what you felt you needed to do at the time in order to survive. But you'll get there 💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I honestly didn’t expect it to be so packed with emotions, then they do say healing isn’t an easy ride. It’s also really strange this whole realisation all happened after being triggered, maybe the underlying emotions surfaced.

It was difficult to talk about it after being shut down. It just felt easier to disassociate. I initially felt like it happened to someone else. I did what I had to in order to get through it, I didn’t feel like I had much choice. I was young and didn’t know what to do. Culture also adds another layer.

I feel like my next psych session is going to be a big one. I have a habit of trying to contain my emotions in therapy, but I’m not sure if I’m beyond that now. I know therapists are used to seeing their clients cry, I get embarrassed. I need to learn to be okay with tears

[Jynx]

@creative_writer I think it's not unusual for us to figure these things out much later in life - I guess you were ready to move through this now, when you weren't before. 

I hope you're able to let go in your session, there's definitely no shame in having a big cry, although I know it can be hard to let go of that embarrassment feeling. But you deserve that release 💜

Hope it goes well 🤞

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I know everything has a time and place. I was stuck for a very long time and trying so hard. I only realised when I wasn’t even trying. It has brought up feelings of loss and sadness. It is also not easy to let go of that illusion of control.

I was told to stop crying as a child and I’ve internalised it. I think I tried so hard to be the good kid, it’s just been hard to let go of the unrelenting expectations I have of myself. I struggle to feel okay with reaching out for support, but I do realise it’s probably something that will take time to rewire. I expect myself to be able to manage on my own and it gets me into trouble often

[Jynx]

@creative_writer Goes like that sometimes, things progressing or happening when we're not even focused on it. I think sometimes it's good for us to switch focus for that very reason! 

It will probably come with some grief and sadness for sure, take your time stepping through it all. Giving up that feeling of control can be very healthy. 

Yes it can be hard to let go of this idea that crying means 'bad', 'failure' 'weak', or 'in trouble' - I think especially so because it's reinforced by media and social norms too. One of my fav lil webcomics is this one, cos I've always found it a helpful reminder: 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I think I need the time and space to finally process things, at least I don’t need to worry about uni for another month.

Even though in a way I’m recognising I had no control. Habits still take time to change, I’m still attached to the control aspect of my ED and it’s keeping it alive. I do recognise letting go of ED will take time. At least my SH thoughts have disappeared because I no longer blame myself.

I’m learning to be okay to be vulnerable. I’ve always felt for so long I had to keep it together, but now I can let myself fall apart. I’m trying to go back to my spiritual beliefs right now because I’ve been lost for a very long time. I know I’m never alone

[Jynx]

@creative_writer I'm glad you've got a break 😊

One thing at a time eh? I think it's okay to take time to work through this before you start delving more into the ED side of things. It's so amazing you aren't experiencing SH thoughts - I can only imagine the relief!

Sounds like an amazing part of your journey, to be surrendering to that sense of vulnerability. I'm glad you're able to reconnect with your spirituality as well 💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I feel like I have a mountain of things to work on, it feels overwhelming. I can take it one step at a time.

SH doesn’t always present in a stereotypical way, but I was finding myself acting in not so good ways to punish myself. It is progress to be able to move away from bad habits.

I know at the end of the day we are only human, and feeling pain is a normal part of life. It is hard growing up and not feeling safe to express that vulnerability. I’m trying to challenge those beliefs.

I naturally search for meaning outside of myself, I think purpose keeps us going