At wits end

[Semolina]

Hi, I'm struggling to support my 21 year old daughter who has BPD, CPTSD, and OCD. She lives independantly about 1.5 hours away from me in a self contained studio flat attached to a house. She is miserable and has been clinically depressed for almost 4 years. I have exhausted myself trying to help her. She refuses all help (except for financial and practical support) and distrusts the medical sector thinking it's all set up to fund Israel. She won't take meds, she won't go to ER, she flatly refuses to see a counsellor or pyschologist (she's seen a few in the past but once they tell her something she doesn't like, she refuses to go back). I have 5 other kids and a demanding job. I've turned myself out advocating for her, taking her to appointments, helping her with her life admin, as well as providing signficant financial, emotional and practical support. She has systematically pushed away the rest of her family and friends and disregards anything good they bring to the relationship, and focuses instead on their flaws. She hates where she lives (although it's a sought after suburb), hates her job, and hates her life. She says 'only the children in Gaza' have it worse than her and she genuinely believes it.  Every day she has suicidal ideation and says she doesn't want to wake up, which is heartbreaking. She responds to her family's attempts to support her with contempt and anger. She doesn't want to be near any of her younger siblings (some of whom have special needs) and will snap at them and be nasty. She agreed to come to the GP yesterday, and for once, i had a ray of hope that she might accept help. The GP was kind and empathetic, and offered the usual supports, asking the standard triage questions and encouraged her to come back in 2 days for a mental health plan, ordered blood tests and wrote a script for an antidepressant. She stormed out and said 'take me home, i'm not doing any of that!'. I am at my wits end and i no longer know what to do. It's beginning to affect the broader family and my own mental well being. I'd be grateful for any guidance or advice from people who have gone through similar things. I'm terrified my daughter will do something to harm herself yet i'm hanging onto my own sanity with a mere thread.

[Honeymoon]

Hi @Semolina ,

Firstly, welcome to the forums - we're glad you're here and reached out🤗

This sounds incredibly heavy and exhausting to carry for such a long time. It's clear how deeply you care about your daughter and how much energy, love and advocacy you've poured into trying to support her, whilst also balancing your own wellbeing, work, and the rest of your family.

You deserve support too and you may consider reaching out to Carer Gateway - 1800 422 737.

If at any point you believe that your daughter is at immediate risk of harm, contacting your local mental health crisis team, or 000 may also be appropriate.

Please know you aren't alone in this and many of our members understand.

~ @Honeymoon 💓

[DogMan79]

Hi @Semolina 

I've been somewhat similar to your daughter in the past

Have you read about polyvagal theory? Understanding a nervous system which is in a chronic state of fight or flight might help you understand her

Pushing her against her will can potentially make matters worse

[PeppyPatti]

My heart truly goes out to you. Reading your post, I can feel exhaustion and the weight you are carrying for your daughter.

It is a draining space to be in when you have poured everything you have into advocating, supporting, and loving a child, only to be met with anger and a refusal to accept help.

I want to share a piece of my own journey, not to make this about me, but to let you know that you are not alone in navigating adult children.
Please know your story is unusual and is nothing like my journey -

Today, I had a catch-up with my 35-year-old son. He is currently in therapy, but he just cannot seem to let go of an imagined life of me. Is this my past life ?

For years, we have discussed  through the past. I have long since accepted that I wasn’t the best mother, but rehashing continues. To make matters more complicated, he is  staying with my mother—someone my oldest brother has explicitly told me to maintain no contact with.

when he asks why I’m angry at mum, I smile and say I have no idea because I’m not going to tell him what my oldest brother said. 

What has  cheloed through all of this—even if no one else can see it from the outside yet—is a awesome shift in how I view self-care,

I listen to their audibles - mind Magic, The Magic  Shop,  teachings of Dr. James Doty and ‘no Matter where you go there you will be,’ on utube - Jon Kabat-Zinn. When we are holding onto a child's pain with a "mere thread," we have to find help. 
Here are a few insights from their work that have kept me feeling secure , and that I hope might offer you some help 

Radical Acceptance (Jon Kabat-Zinn):

Mindfulness teaches us to meet the present moment exactly as it is, without trying to force it to be different right now. Your daughter is suffering, and she is choosing to reject help today. Fighting that reality or wishing she would see the GP's kindness only exhausts your vital energy. Accepting that you cannot control her choices is not giving up on her; it is an act of self-preservation.

 The Power of Compassion over Empathy (Dr. James Doty): As mothers, we often get caught in "empathic distress"—we literally feel our children's pain, which leads to burnout and exhaustion. Dr. Doty, a neurosurgeon, talks about shifting from empathy to true compassion. Compassion allows us to acknowledge the suffering, wish them well, and provide support without absorbing their agony into our own nervous systems. It allows us to keep our own hearts open without letting ourselves be destroyed.

 Securing Your Own Oxygen Mask: You have five other children and a demanding job. You cannot pour from an empty cup. True self-care isn't a luxury; it's a necessity. Kabat-Zinn often talks about finding "the small spaces of stillness" in a chaotic day. Even if it is just five minutes of deep breathing or a quiet walk, you must claim that space to keep your own sanity intact.

once, I opened the car boot, and found a pair of eye glasses. I just stood there thrilled I found eye glasses. 

but this is not my story it’s yours. 

You have done an extraordinary job advocating for your daughter. But you cannot live her life or force her healing. Please give yourself permission to step back slightly, breathe, and protect the mental well-being of yourself and the rest of your family.

Holding space for you and

sending you so much strength. Sorry about the length 

i believe in you. 

[PeppyPatti]

Omg @DogMan79  I only learned about this when about 55 years old ….   

[EternalFlower]

@Semolina 

I have similar diagnoses to your daughter except BPD. What i can say is that sometimes because of trust issues it did take me a few times. Like I'd be recommended a GP, go once, get upset, and then not go back. But a year later I'd calm down and realise that GP was only trying to help and go back.

I wander why she didn't like the GP? If somehow she can find someone who she can say that to - ie I don't trust you, but I need help - and they don't push her away - maybe there is room for treatment then...

Re the medical system being funded by Israel, i'm Jewish and can safely say as  a Jewish person i've been rejected from medical treatment many times, had horrible treatment, and been kicked out of the ED in deep crises and unsafe. So the medical system is hard for everyone.