Lived Experience Forum

[Evie1]

I’m trying to understand y it was me trauma picked to mess with 

[outlander]

@Evie1
there really isnt a reason unfortunatley. it is something that has happened though and we have to learn how to get through all of the things that come with ptsd and trauma.

[outlander]

@Hope4me i wonder if you may be able to share some advice?

[Hope4me]

Hi @Evie1 and shout-outs to @outlander @Maggie @Former-Member and special waves and welcome hug to @FreedomRoad 

I understand exactly where you are Evie. I'm so sorry this happened to you and how it's affecting your life. You have friends on here to help though, so that's a huge plus.

What is forgiveness? A generalised word that probably doesn't mean much except to put pressure on victims to be more than what's humanly possible when we're at our most vulnerable. It's a part of recovery yes, but it comes much, much later after our brains and nervous systems start to heal.

Forget about forgiving, guilt, shame and the why's for now and focus on your feelings because trying to be rational and normal is obviously getting you nowhere. There's nothing rational or normal about rape; end of story. 

We have trapped emotions left over from the event/s. It's the screaming inside us that needs to get out. It doesn't matter why. It's an essential part of recovering. So please stop thinking and start expressing those feelings through your child's voice, not the adult in you who's trying to find reasons that don't exist.

It's primal and linked to being an amimal, not a social issue. Pent-up, unexpressed pain eats away at us. It can't dissapate or just go away. It has to be released through our voices. I screamed into a pillow in my car on many occasions. It bought me calm, at least in the beginning.

Rape is as close as it gets to dying. In fact, that's what it feels like. So why repress those fears and feelings? Accepting you were completely helpless in that moment is what can free you. Again, it's not about why it happened. In the eyes of your abusers, blaming you gets them off the hook. That's a Universal Truth!

So please Evie, learn to 'name' your feelings. If it feels like a rock in the pit of your guts, then say that. If it's pain in your chest then identify that. It doesn't matter why, for now.

You take care and be gentle with yourself ok.

xo 

[Evie1]

Why did I let it destroy me why did it happen to me why did men take advantage of me is there something wrong with me that makes an easy victim probably because I’m so vulnerable I can’t fight back I use to call a cop I trusted she knew what I ment when I said I feel vulnerable and I got nice cops do welfare checks I ended up on the phone to my psychologist but I’m to afraid to tell my psychologist that I still sometimes have suicidal thoughts due to self blame and trauma I talked to her about rape like I said that was hard tell her the truth about how I feel is harder and scary 

[Maggie]

@Hope4me  So we'll put, that helped me so much. Thankyou.

@Evie1  Part of what happens is we all lose our power when we are raped. Overcoming that is taking back our power bit by bit. The things @Hope4me  has done, screaming into a pillow. I personally threw mud at a wall, at my abusers. Take that and that. Yes I had to clean up afterwards, but I got some of the screams out side of me.

I also write things down. I'm not good at talking. Some I tear up or burn, others I share with my counsellor. Personally I have a problem with forgiveness, self forgiveness or otherwise. I tried for years, until one day someone said to me....some things are unforgivable.....that took so much weight off my shoulders. What happened to you, to me, to everyone else talking here, is unforgivable. You are not alone @Evie1 @FreedomRoad  There is so much I'm writing to you in my head. So much of what you shared is part of my story also. I'll get there eventually. My iPad no longer connects to the 3G network, it's old. So I'm in a public place with a hot spot, doesn't give me room to think. Time to upgrade.

[Evie1]

I understand but trauma is unforgivable it caught me and I don’t know where it came from but I developed PTSD anxiety I was suicidal I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I was lucky no body knew because I was given equipment to assist in my study I got worse and worse the teachers watched me they saw me reduced I got to point where they I could no longer concentrate or stay in class I would run and hide cry until I pass out so I was sent to headspace after 12 weeks of speacial consulling that’s when headspace saved me from harm

very hurt emotionally and that’s when I learned trauma was the cause for my feelings and self blame stated I got sicker and worse b4 I felt relief and relief scares me 

[Hope4me]

Hi @Evie1 

As someone who's been there, I'm seeing 'red flags' within your writing. That means you're posts are describing very overwhelming emotions and thoughts that might need professional help.

As a concerned Sane member I'm asking you to call Lifeline 13 14 11 or the Mental Health Hotline in your state to talk about things. I know life seems really scary and as if it won't get better, but it can with the right support.

If you feel suicidal, please call 000. Be gentle with yourself and care for your well-being as if you were a child in crisis. You deserve this much.

Kind thoughts;

Hope  I care...

[Evie1]

I’m ok I’m seeing my psychologist I’ve already called lifeline twice they helped me feel more relaxed and better 

[Hope4me]

Thanks for letting us know @Evie1 

Have a good night's sleep ok; might chat tomorrow...

Hope