Constant flashbacks

[creative_writer]

Trauma symptoms and flashbacks have been worse since I’ve been triggered. I feel like my trigger sounds silly, but I’ve been feeling super unsettled for quite some time now and don’t see any way out yet

[AuntGlow]

Hey @creative_writer 💛

How have you been?! I would love an update on what life has looked like lately. 🥰

I am sorry you're experiencing so many triggers, that must be a lot for your body to hold. 

I wonder what affirmation your inner child might need to hear right now? 🫶

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow so lovely to see you 💖. I'm on a break right now and the next semester starts next month. I had a recent triggering medical appointment with my non-regular female GP over a female issue. The GP was professional and didn't push me to do a medical test or examination or anything, but left me feeling triggered. I spoke to my regular GP, I wasn't sure whether to tell him initially, but he was really gentle and professional about it. Medical examination is completely out of the question, but I couldn't even do a self-test because that felt too triggering for my ptsd. He said I can park the test for now because he doesn't want my ptsd symptoms to worsen. It wasn't a very comfortable discussion because I felt vulnerable, but it was weighing on me. I do feel like an idiot, but it's hard with a history of multiple experiences of SA. I'm just hoping my physical symptoms do settle, because a test is the only way to know for certain I have an infection. 

I'm thinking of taking a walk this afternoon, being connected to nature may help me feel more grounded 

[creative_writer]

I took a walk this avo and spotty one kitty. Was able to redirect some of my energy through that and ground myself. Any else have any ideas of how to cope?

[Jynx]

@creative_writer maybe think about what it was about that moment that was helpful? Spending time with animals/nature, being in the moment, stuff like that 💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx probably a combination of things. Being in nature, seeing the little kitty and I was more focused on my surroundings. I think being present helps with the flashbacks and trauma symptoms

[Jynx]

Can be something to practice too - focusing on presence and dwelling in the here and now @creative_writer. I imagine it's similar to focusing on things like art and prayer, you know? 

Hope you're going okay 💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I do think it’s going to take a while till things normalise, not quite there yet. Maybe I need to give myself a bit more time.

Learning to be present is something I’ve been working on, I can’t say I’m there yet, maybe I’m a bit better than I used to be. I know they say the brain is plastic, but I still have a lot of trauma embedded pathways in my mind, undoing all that will take time. I’m not even sure if I can ever get to the point where I could undo it 100%.

I hope you are doing okay 💖

[Jynx]

@creative_writer small steady progress is the way 😉

I think it's less about 'undoing' the trauma pathways completely, and more about adapting and building new ones. It's impossible to be who we were before the trauma, but we can still become a recovered person. 

How's things been going? 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I’ve been quite emotional lately. I just had a realisation. You know how I struggled to convince myself that SA wasn’t my fault. The realisation finally sank in, I didn’t try, it just happened without trying. I started crying afterwards and was an emotional mess. They speak a lot about fate in Islam, it finally occurred to me that it was meant to be and there wasn’t anything I could’ve done to stop it. I did actually try to reach out for support but I wasn’t believed. In the moment it didn’t feel safe talking about it, so I coped by disassociating and I kept having unwanted experiences. I do feel a sense of peace, but also this emotional overwhelm. Now I’m re-thinking of identity, because I’ve identified as a damaged person because of what happened for a very long time. I would also punish myself through SH and ED, and now I’m questioning my actions because they actually make no sense for the first time. I’m so confused 😭.

How have you been?